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12:07am 22/09/2012

good thing I have this thing to write in instead of writing angry texts to an ex boyfriend I'm still in love with that is fucking a married girl. not woman. girl. dumb girl. with a dumb boy. maybe they're good for each other. hmm. #.revelation


(chase away your blues)

late night   
02:53am 25/08/2012

late night after duffys. I'm at a gas station at a crossroad... go do something I don't wanna do or go home like I want to. I think I should call it a night like I will. :) yay for small maturing victories!


(chase away your blues)

12:55am 15/10/2008

I don't know what to do when I feel this way. I go through waves of anger, restraint, frustration, and, ultimately, intense sadness. Gut-wrenching, overwhelming sadness.

It's a shame I am crying alone.

(2 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

10:50pm 18/09/2008
  I no longer feel capable of verbalizing my feelings.
This is really fucking frustrating.

(1 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

If you like Pina Coladas:   
10:11am 28/08/2008
  Something absolutely wonderful is happening to me, and I love it: I'm mapping out future trips/adventures!

There is currently a large-scale wall map hanging on the wall beside my bed with roughly 60 destinations pinpointed in various areas of the US. Including Nat'l monuments, Nat'l Parks, man-made buildings and cities, beaches, rivers, mountains, and more, I've done research after research and I've marked every place I am going to go in the US.

The way I've set up my map is this: the places where I've lived, visited for a significant amount of time, or where family lives is permanent marker-ed with a big star; the roads I've driven are permanent marker-ed en route from start to finish; the places I have YET to go to are post-it noted with little blank arrows. The purpose of the little blank arrows are to write exactly what I want to see in that area and why I want to see it (i.e: Albuquerque arrow has "a picture of a sign and me with a confused look on my face"). :) The other reason why I'm using post-its is because when I visit there and see the sites I want to see, I can easily peel back the post-its and replace them with permanent marker stars to symbolize a permanent memory!

I've spent three months pin-pointing, reading, deciding, planning. Next Summer my first trip will be based in Wyoming. Zuzzie's family lives out there and Eric and I are going to fly back here with her and stay for two weeks. Not only are we going to see her family, however, but we will see sights I've pinpointed, too! :D From Greybull, WY, Yellowstone Nat'l Park (I've been there already, but I want to go again) is only a two hour drive, Grand Tetons are only a 2.5 hour drive, Devil's Tower is only a 4 hour drive, Mount Rushmore is only a 5 hour drive (as is the Wind Caves Nat'l Park) and the Badlands aren't too far from that! That's FOUR POST-ITS off my map within the year! Plus the smaller sites in FL I'm going to knock off by 2k9 (swimming in the Gulf, white beach tanning, 10,000 island Big Cypress Reserve kayaking, watching the sun rise on the east coast of FL and watching the same sun set on the west coast).

I'm not looking at it like it's a race, or anything like that. The map just serves as a constant reminder of where I want to go and the things in my PERSONAL (not professional) life that I want to accomplish. I think sometimes I get the two of them so confused that I end up tired, frustrated, and worn out. So no more of that shit. I'm a very visual learner, thinker, and planner. I like to be able to have my hands on ideas and be able to put them into action. Putting this map together was my first step! Sam laminated for me at her work so I will never damage the ink and map itself. :D

I figure the last step of this process will be completeing the last of my post-it/permanent marker replacing and taking down the map entirely, only to put up a similar one I've had laminated as well: a world map. Then on to bigger and more expensive trips! I just want to start closer to home, that's all.I think a lot of Americans overlook what America has to offer and look elsewhere for something more grand. Sure, if I get the opportunity to go over seas I'll take it in a heart beat...but for now, I'm working towards conquering the US first.

But seriously, for whoever reads this, you have no idea how happy this makes me. I know it may seem ridiculous, far-fetched, childish, whatever...but I refuse to leave this earth without seeing most of what it has to offer. It seriously baffles me how some people spend their entire lives in the same 50-mile radius in which they were born. Different strokes for different folks, sure, but this is a huge place. I don't want to live my life just hearing stories of penguins, fall leaves, great waterfalls, bear catching salmon in the streams, stalagmites, craters, volcanoes, ocean reefs, canyons, mountains, mardi gras, the great salt lake, the golden gate bridge. That would fucking suck! I want to see them myself!

and I will. :)

(chase away your blues)

Everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy. Maybe, Maybe. :D   
07:34pm 21/08/2008
  Short and sweet update (I think):

My sister has decided she's moving out to Cali in a few months after she graduates. That's pretty cool, I guess. I just hope she's not going out there just because David got the job offer and she'll follow him like a lost puppy...but I'm not sure. She seems like she's ready for a change, anyway. Hopfully this is the right one.

My brother (while we're talking family, here) is still successfully living on his own as far as I know. I think I've seen him twice since she got booted from school and moved out. Maybe this time will be better for him. Let's hope so.

Dad, Scott, and Brian are all doing fine from what I hear. Scott comes over more often now for whatever reason. but I'm not complaining...I sorta like having the family come over and visit. Danielle started her first year of Home schooling (by her mother, god help her) and Tom started the 5th grade. He told me last time we went to the movies that he had a big crush on this girl Caitlin and he bought her a gold necklace for valentines day last year. CUTE!

I'm doing fine, myself. All the employees from the bakeshop on all the shifts got together last night for a "team building exercise" aka a drinking social. The exec pastry chef was there, the two exec chefs of restaurants & banquets were there, the director of food & beverage was there...plus all the crew. Roughly 20 people? It was all right. It got better once we all went to Blue Martini and danced. It was really wierd seeing everyone out of uniform and in regular clothes. I don't think a single person recognized me when I walked in the door. Haha, figures.

I've hit sort of a stand-still with saving money lately. They are cutting down on OT at work (which is where the bulk of my money comes from, obviously) so now I'm getting like 420 DD a week instead of like 550. :/ But I'm not complaining...it's just that I've had to pay for the dentist visit (200 :(), car work, and random one time shit this month. So my savings hasn't gone up much. :( I'm trying though, I really am. It didn't help that I was out of work for 4 days either while I was super sick with no paid sick days.

Getting there, though. I'm saving for the Wyoming trip next summer for my first paid vacation! I have big plans for it...there's a unch of places I want to see in that part of the country. Speaking of travelling, I've finally gotten myself a large-scale map, laminated so i can marker on it, to hang on my wall of the US and the world. My plan is to pin point on the US map first which sites I want to see and where I want to go. In another color I'm going to chart where I've been. :) It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, just so I have an organized plan and visual thing so I can actually make this travelling business a reality (instead of just day dreaming about it all day). I've also bought some books of natural "wonders" in the US, the world, and some other specialty books. I bought one about Florida so I can start with weekend trips while it's slow in the summer. Eric and I have already been camping a few times, down to Coral Gables to see some farmland, the everglades to canoe, and some parks to explore. We want to keep it relatively cheap so we can keep saving. That's what has kept us from going to the keys or something for a weekend. Pretty soon though. The Breakers gives us a few serious discounts with some nice hotels in the keys, so we've been talking about doing that. Or we might just camp again. We'll see.

Sometimes it feels like everyone is travelling except for me, though. And I get nervous and restless. I don't know how I'm going to anchor myself in West Palm for the next two years while I'm at the Breakers, but hopefully some incentive comes up so I can do so with a little more ease. Right now it's like I'm a hampster on a wheel getting aggravated that it's not going any place. IDK. My BFF Jill?

Jess moved away to college, Nicole is in NYC for college, Sam is moving, Kim is going to RI, my old roommates are in Miami, but they never come up to visit and I never hav the time to go down and visit them. Sometimes it just feels like I'm running in place, yanno? But if I think about it too much I go a little crazy. And no one likes crazy. So I just bury myself in travellers books and dog ear which places I'm going to see and when I could do it.

I have a funny feeling that I'm going to move out of state, too. After I'm done with school and I'm ready to move in from the Breakers and such. All I know is that living in Michigan for four months was one of the best experiences of my life, so I can't even imagine what being able to stay in a whole new region of the country would be like. I'll probably move to the northeast. Maybe New Hampshire. :)

But that's a long ways away I suppose. Who knows.

That's all, I guess. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball.

(4 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

teenage wasteland blues.   
05:11pm 09/08/2008
  I don't really know where to start.
Let's start with Saturday.

I get sick. My throat is like sandpaper, so I leave work a little early. Sunday I wake up dying. Monday: repeat. Tuesday: repeat. Wednesday: repeat. Thursday: repeat, except my braces come off. My teeth aren't as good as I thought they'd be, and my retainers make me sound like the worst case of Ugly Betty.

Friday I tell myself if I don't go to work, I'm going to jump off of the roof. So I go. And feel miserable all day. I have my retainers in (24/7 for the next 6 months), so everyone at work proceeds not to congratulate me, but to make fun of my awful, terrible retainer-inflicted "schpeech" impediment. Not to mention, my niece and nephew called to sweetly remind me that I "stood them up" on tuesday for the movies. "I'm sorry, children, your aunt was on her death bed. Please come back and bother me when you learn some fucking manners and quit being selfish, materialistic, spoiled asshole adolescents."

I've become, for the most part, unmotivated at work. It's slow and it isn't challenging like it will be in a few months. They tell me to bring in some recipes so I can fuck around in my free time, but I have nothing to make. I should really probably work on that. Talked to the Exec chef today only to find out that I can't use sick days and get paid for the time I took off sick because I'm one week shy of recievig my benefits. It was cool to think about my next paycheck of less than $100. Got to go to the Flagler Steakhouse to take some photos of the plated desserts, so that was pretty cool. Until the staff THERE pointed out the funny way I talk.

I get home today and I find my entire family at my house. They went fishing today, all of them, and caught two huge fish. MUST BE FUCKING NICE TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR FAMILY. I wouldn't really know. I work like a slave, and I'm off one day a week while everyone else is working the 9-5. So now I'm getting out of my car after a 10 hour work day to a happy, smiling, wonderful go-lucky, hippity-doo-da-it's-saturday family talking about how they all went out and had fun together and were magnitudes more tan than I.


Whatever, so I'm all like "fucking NEAT, tell me all about it even though I don't wanna hear it." So they talk, laugh, blah blah blah. David decides to comment on how shitty I look because I'm still really sick and in my uniform, and that I should go change and take a nap or something. Nice. I go inside to put my shit down and Sam trails in behind me. "Haha, you're talking with a lisp." Sam IS comedy, folks. That was my wits end, so I come in my room and pretend like I love my life, I'm happy with where I am, and I'm satsfied with my life decisions.

Now I'm here. Talking to myself.


I feel like I never have any fun anymore. I never hang out with friends, family, or Eric as much as a should, if at all. I feel like my life revolves around fucking work, which isn't as bad as it could be but is still a full-time job, and I have no life. I was talking with the ASST. Pastry Chef earlier and I was reminded that to be a good employee and to build my resume and to learn alot, I was going to be at the Breakers for at least 2 or 3 years. IN ONE PLACE FOR TWO OR THREE YEARS.

Fuck me, I don't know if I can do this. I feel so stagnant and I feel so boring. I don't know if I'm ready to hit a stand-still right now. I keep looking ahead to where there is room for me to get promoted, but that seems so far away and not really worth the wait.

I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to study if I went back to school, I don't know if I really like what I'm doing and if I want to stick with it as a career choice but I don't know of any other option, I

you know what. I'm too overwhelmed right now. I can't even fucking think about this.

(2 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

but they never told you the price that you pay for things that you might have done--   
04:20pm 27/06/2008
  So, I finally have time for a serious update.
Not necessarily SERIOUS, but I actually have time to make a post with whatever I want to say.
Awesome. Now what to say.

Eric and I celebrated our four year anniversary (I will never spell that word wrong again because I write it on at least 10 plates a day at work) on the 25th of this month. It didn't go very well...I'm pretty sure it was just because I was PMS-y and my expectations of some glamourous night were far-fetched. We were both tired from work, broke, and whatever else. Iguess I've just been nervous about our relationship getting boring or going bad. So far so good, though. He makes me happy.

The tough thing is that I'm at the point in my life where I'm done doing things for other people. I mean, for the most part. I'm so sick of friends who never fucking call, or never fucking hang out, or never do anything (like drive up to see me) unless I initiate it, or go see them, or go to THEIR house, or what have you. They probably don't do it intentionally, but I'm fucking sick of it. I feel like if I were never to call some of them, I would never hear from them again. A few of my other friends are going through this stage too, and I've found comfort in knowing I'm not being a bitch or asking too much in this situation. I'm just done with it. And, unfortunately, the two main culprits are two of my best fucking friends. Three, actually. and family, too. Which is pathetic. Somehow some of my family got their shit mixed up and now assume that if people don't call them, then they are automatically busy and a phonecall on THEIR part, for once, would OBVIOUSLY not be appreciated and warm welcomed.

Either way, I just feel like, because I used to give so much and make so much effort before, I'm not being as...good lately. To Eric, specifically. I've just made it kind of really fucking easy for my friends to stay close and friendly with me up to this point in my life, and I'm nervous that Eric will feel like it's too much effort or something in our relationship now. I don't think he will, but I don't know. I don't want to be "high maintanence" or anything, but I'd like to be treated sometime. Called up to hang out, invited somewhere, given something, be told something...yanno? I don't know. I'm just done making everyones life easier. Fuck that. C'est la Vie, douche bags.

Anyways, I never said this was going to be a lovely post. Haha. But there are plenty of good things to say:

My French is going well. It's hard to find time to sit down and do the reading/exercises with 6 days a week working, a boyfriend, family matters, and errands. But I've been finding a little time here and there. It's something I really have been wanting to do (learn any foreign language, actually), and, going along with what I was saying earlier, I'm going to start doing things for ME and doing things that I want to do. I've realized that most of the reason why my life can get so miserable (even when it shouldn't be miserable) is because I never take time for myself. The other day I realized I hadn't painted my nails in two years. Plucked my eyebrows in close to two months. Put on make-up to go out in weeks. Straightened or styled my hair in 3 months (minus graduation). It was just a ridiculous epiphany--like, why the fuck am I last on my OWN list? Fuck, that's a sick burn, right? So I'm done with that now.

I've made some improvements on my life:

1. I'm not going miles out of my own way for ANYONE unless they really deserve it. Or if they are BFF and they need me. And yes, that is totally subjective to ME.
2. I'm taking my neice and nephew to the movies every Sunday to spend time with them and to have something to look forward to. This way I can get closer with my family and have an excuse to dress up and get my clothes picked out by an 11 year old wonderful boy and my perfume picked out by a wonderful 13 year old girl every week. So far we've seen 5 movies, and this weekend is Wall-E. :).
3. I'm spending more time at my dad's house (my house) and I'm keeping my room spotless. The only reason why I was ever messy is because I didn't have time to sit down and do something about it because I was a) too tired from doing a million things for other people, or b) because I was never around my own home because I was too busy fulfilling my commitments to everyone else. Well. That's going to change. Clean room; neat, organized, clean laundry all hung up. Cleaning the house, too. and doing my share.
4. I'm paying my own bills. All of them. That includes student loans, car insurance, phone bill, gas, food, and any personal money. All my responsibility. I'm tired of taking hand-outs from my family. If they want to help, of course they do, then I use their money towards my loan repayments.
5. I'm trying to spend more time with my sister. She's pretty awesome now that we've both grown up.
6. Being happy with what I have. Not being perpetually miserable because I'm not travelling or going out somewhere. Avoiding opportunities for instant gratification and looking more forward to long-term goals. Being happy in general.
7. Understanding that I'm not as good as I want to be because I've only just started. This applies mostly to my career, and finiancial standing. People at work ARE better and more knowledgeable than me because they have had at LEAST two more years experience. Understanding that the only thing I can go is learn whatever I can on the go, and improve from the last times. Trying not to be so damn hard on myself, because when I make myself feel like shit, it affects my relationships with other people because they (Eric) feels like he's not able to make me happy. The truth is, I'm just a really mean person to myself. and it needs to stop.
8. Maintaining a clear vision, and a clear head.

It's a lot, yeah. ut I need these..."tweaks".

I finally unpacked all my stuff from my apartment in a fit of fury the other week that I hadn't taken the time to make my home feel like a home yet. Now everything has a place, I know what that place is, and I am as happy as a clam. It really is the simple things in life everyone, in case you're a late bloomer like me and haven't realized it yet. Having a place to call YOUR home. Pictures up of all the memories you have and all the friends you love. Watching movies that take you somewhere else for a bit. Reading a book that helps you understand that you're not crazy.

Now I have a mini apartment in my dad's house all for myself. I have a futon, a table, a tv, a bed, a fridge, a jewelry box, a night stand, a lock-safe, and everything else I could possibly need. It really feels like home. I keep it neat, and I can successfully leave my sloppy, disgusting, idiot brother's side of the house by just stepping through a doorway. He never fucking cleans, considers anyone, or takes care of anything. I really wish he would stop sucking my 64 year old wanting-to-retire-and-live-his-OWN-life-for-once dad, and get on his own fucking two feet. You're 25-years-old for fucks-sake. If you need financial help, fine. Moral support, fine. A place to stay because you're broke, fine. But at least thank the people who are helping you. Show some motherfucking gratitude. Pull your HEAVY weight around the house. Even if the one dish isn't yours (but it really is). The little things.

But I can escape the frustration if i want now. and that makes me more happy than I could EVER express. When I come home to my room in dad's house, I smile for once. I smile to see Zuzzie, my family, my dad. It's nice.

Work is going well, even though it's getting real slow. Theres promising things happening though within the next year. I just can't wait to get better. and better. :)

Eric makes me so happy. He's the best boyfriend in the world, although we have our bouts. He's starting to look out for himself, too, which makes me incredibly happy. Him and I: both givers. It's time we take care of ourselves...but I don't think either of us mind taking care of each other, either. <3

I guess that's it, really. For a long time I've been writing in this journal, but I've been, for the most part, editing what I say, so to speak, because it's public and people can read it. Not anymore. People don't read it any, and I dont really mind that. I'm going to start writing to myself, not to anybody else. If you want to read it, fuck it. I don't care. READ IT UP! But I'm not bleeping out shit. :)

I'm doing much better on a personal level now. I'm happier. I'm appreciating family and good friends more (I hope they've noticed). I haven't been beating myself up too hard lately. The last time I cried was a good cry because I was watching a good movie. :)

Life's good. fo' sho'.
and it makes me happy that I took the time to write this post now that I know I have plenty of time for other people and for all the other things to get done.


(4 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

10:49am 22/06/2008
  I'm at work.
Cheers for things blowing up in your face, for not being what they seem, and for sucking at life.

it's slow here.

at least I'm making money?

(1 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

nooo, baby; can't to this to me baby   
04:27pm 06/05/2008
  Happy Birthday, Chase! (Late), but the cake was on time. :) I hope you liked it, I know it wasn't your traditional chocolate and vanilla. That's what I get for going to fancy cake school. I really do hope you liked it though. :/

I got back from the beautiful Bahamas on Monday. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.I was only there a day (actually at the Bahamas), but it was the most fun packed day of my whole liiife. I snorkeled, did a historical tour, drove on the wrong side of the road, went to the straw market and got a new beach bag, went to the fish fry and had the best conch of my entire life, found a conch shell on the beach and took it!, saw Atlantis, went to a pirate museum, walked on Cable Beach, partied and danced my ass off at Senor Frogs, and drank Bahama Mamas for the better half of the night. :D So much fun, I had a blast.

Advanced cakes has been a lot of fun, it's really got me excited about cakes an cake decorating. I have gotten so much better in the last two weeks that when I started the class...my cakes are getting to be really good now!

As I'm rounding out my final year at JWU I've been thinking about all the crazy things I've done since I've been here. I have a ton of awards and medals, and appreciation plaques, and volunteer hours (omg so many volunteer hours), and relationships with chefs and I've networked my ass off, and man. A lot of stuff.

Turns out it hasn't all been in vain..this Thursday I've been nominated for some kind of Student Leadership Award and have been invited to a banquet to honor the nominees and announce the recipients. Pretty neat, huh? I've also been dubbed a finalist for one of the Commencement Awards that the President of the school hands out and announces at the graduation ceremony. Which is like, huge. Haha. I'm officially graduating with a 4.0 and with the honors college, too!

I needed this last cruise so badly. I read the last few posts I've made both here and in other journals and I sound so miserable. granted I was miserable...but I don't want to be. (uh, who does?) I'm just glad I got the opportunity to get away for a while to clear my head of all the shit that was never important. Now I have a bunch of things to look forward to:

*Awards banquet this Thursday
*Give Kids the World Gala in Orlando (pastry banquet for 1800 people) fri-sun with some of the craziest awesome chefs in the entire world
*Special Functions Team final meeting tonight at 7 (which means I'm finished with doing everyones job!!!!)

Then I'm home free. Traveling through the heart of the states to Minnesota with my dad, going to Wyoming with Zuzz, and then starting work at the Breakers come the end of June. Fucking fantasticcccco!

What's sad is that I have to say goodbye to one of my roommates. Even though he has caused me so much fucking fury and pain and stress in the last four months than any one person in my whole life...I'm still going to miss Vinnie. He's going back to New Jersey to finish up hospitality schooling and then whatever else. He's awesome when you get past the laziness and the outrageous falicies. I shall be seeing him in December though! My other roommates and I are planning to meet up in the city and see a broadway show and go snowboarding and all these good things! I'm excited.

AAAAND, KIMBERLY IS STAYING IN FLORIDA. Which pretty much makes my life.

However, Jess is leaving south florida. Which pretty much ruins my life. BUT both of them will be in Orlando, so I will be going to Otown A LOT, needless to say. <3! aaaaand Jess is AMAZING so she made it into the top ten accepted students in UCF's music program. BOOYAH, and I love her. what?

What else? That was a lot. :) Kudos to those who read it, and I understand why others didn't.

I'm looking sooo forward to summer. More Marelvis, more Nicole, more Jess, more Chase, way more Joe, more Eric, and more family.


(2 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile   
01:26pm 25/03/2008
  So, just a quick update between laundry loads and running back to school for a meeting--

life has been hectic.

However well things end up turning out for me in whatever aspect, I'm still, mostly, terribly unhappy. This has become ridiculously obvious to not only myself in the last few days/weeks, but my close friends and boyfriend as well. I don't really know whats going on, but I think it's because my stress level is


but, there's not much to do about that. Stress will always be making my life miserable because I have discovered after trial and error, that it is
a) impossible to ignore
b) impossible not to care about
c) ironically the driving motivation for accomplishing all the shit on my plate on a day-to-day basis

If I wasn't stressed, I wouldn't be frantic. If I'm not frantic, I'm not quick on my feet. If I'm not quick on my feet, I don't get all my shit done. If I don't get all my shit done,

I die.

Because there's nothing worse than unaccomplishment.

unaccomplishment? Yeah, whatever.

But on a lighter note, I'm doing well in my class. I got the highest grade in the class on my midterm and I was really happy about it.

[[I think I piss people off when I talk about the things I do. I try not to talk too much, but I mean..who doesn't talk that much when they're excited? I think people look at it as bragging, but why can't I be excited for doing good each time I do good? It's nice to work hard and reap rewards. I guess no one gives a fuck.]]

Lighter note, right.

I graduate in less than two months!
Not that I necessarily know what I'm going to do. It's too soon to tell I guess. All I know is that I tend to be really antsy, and I don't think I'm going to stay in South Fla for too much longer. But I don't know for sure. I know I want to continue school...but I don't know where. Maybe FAU? Business with concentration in hospitality.

Isn't it too late to apply?

Crap, I don't know.

Speaking of not knowing, I have to get to my meeting with Student Financial Services. In 5 minutes.


(1 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

it's the same damn song you've heard a thousand times   
05:18pm 30/01/2008
  work has been pwning my life.

I really don't care to go into details about it, but the first month was very rollercoaster-esque, but this last month was pretty rockin'. I'm getting the swing of things and I like the people. Yay success.

Today was my last day on the morning shift of my internship rotation. I was working with one guy the entire time and in which time learned a dickload of stuff. It was a really good time [learning] although sometimes I got the feeling he wanted to strangle me. Either way, I learned a lot and I didn't ACTUALLY get strangled, so it's a win-win for Hannah. He told me at the end of that day today that I was very very good. I was focused, blah blah blah, and he had nothing to say about what I needed to work on except "experience". Which is quite flattering because for what it's worth, I don't have any of that. So apparently I'm doing pretty good for where I'm at. He said it takes a good year to get comfortable with the kitchen.

Saturday, after two FULL DAYS OFF (WHAT!), I start the Baker's shift (2am-10am). The hours are ridiculous, I know..but if I can just get used to it, it pays hella well ($2+ because of the odd hours) and I love working me some dough. PUN. Anyways, we'll see. The most important part of all this is that after my time on this shift, I'll have somewhat of an idea on where I want to be and what i want to pursue: baking or pastry. Somewhat, anyway. I've discovered that life's paths have a tendency to go exactly the opposite way of how you planned to walk them. Regarless, I'm excited. Yay again.

Other that work, my life has been pretty dull. Eric and I hang out whenever we can. :) I really like him a lot even though we've been going through some things lately (more so me). But I'm happy, and I hope he is too. Jess and I have gotten exponentially closer, which is exponentially awesome. The last week or so I've been getting in pretty well with some co-workers, so that's been nice too. Lots of new social situations being shot at me, which I'm always game for.

Traveling has made it's way even farther up my list of very important things to do asap. Eric and I are planning a trip in the spring (a toss up between the keys, grand canyon, or Wakieva springs), Jess and I Mayish time on a cruuuuiseeee, and me, myself, and hoever else wants to come, in summer to Australia. I want to travel while I still can. Before I get my full time job and three weeks a year. I have a feeling when I get into the workforce and I'm tired of only taking two or three weeks a year, I'll just take a sabatical and just leave for 6 months and live somewhere.

fuck it, right?

fuckin' right.

Life's been all right. The only thing I would change are some of the people around me, and getting others around me more often. Everyone seems to have their own attitude and agenda now, though. But I can understand that, I guess I do too.

I just hope things don't change TOO much.


(chase away your blues)

meet the decline   
02:09pm 02/01/2008
  I've gotta learn how to be happy in this life.
I hope 2008 brings simplicity.

(1 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

i guess that's cool   
05:03pm 27/12/2007
  I'm 24/7 tired.
The only person in the world who makes me forget about how shitty I think I am is away for the start of 2008.
My new years resolution should be not to croak before 2009.
But then I'd know I'd break it.

(chase away your blues)

some serious business.   
10:09pm 06/11/2007
mood: great!
A few quick high-lights (I don't have much time for this anymore!):

* got the job at The Breakers starting Nov. 28th.
* Fall term ends the 16th!
* Eric is going to meet my family the 20-24 in Syracuse and I don't think I've looked forward to anything this much in a long time
* I may be seeing snow this Thanksgiving!
* I'm being highly productive and I'm working on being less stressed.
* I'm almost positive that I've kept my 4.0 through the term!

life can be good, as long as I direct my energy towards the positive.
Here's to the night.

(chase away your blues)

boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room.   
01:01am 05/10/2007

so much work I could be doing, but fuck that.
dancing to crank dat, the electric slide, and the vengaboys is so much fucking better.

wish you were here.

(chase away your blues)

shotgun jimmy   
03:41pm 01/10/2007
mood: good
So, the Epcot Food & Wine Festival this past weekend was SO MUCH FUN.
I mean, I was tired as fuck by the time last night rolled around (I got a little cranky :/) but it was really fun. Eric and Zuzz went along for the ride and Saturday while I was prepping for Party for the Senses they went around the whole park to try all the foods and stuff.
If you guys don't know what it's about and you are a food lover, you should really check it out. It was fucking sweet.
Anyways, so I get there in my rental awesome thursday night and get to my room where there is a packet with my name on it waiting with a sweet ass room and view. $400/night room all to myself! So, anyway. I open the packet and find 3 complimentary park hopper tickets (roughly $75ea), a personalized itinerary for MEEEE, $200 Disney giftcard (didn't pay for virtually anything all weekend), and info about the weekend. I should have gotten an embroidered jacket, but I was last minute so they couldnt get me one. :( But hey, I've got a memory. :) anyway, I meet up with Gian after he gets in from providence and we talk about friday for prep. Get in there Friday morning and stay until 6 or so. Get back to the hotel and Zuzz and Eric arent there yet. I change for the dinner reception for the pre-party thing and get drunk off Dom Peringon (quite riduclously and ungracefully). Had a fucking blast, though. Walked around Epcot to see the firework show and buy thins I'll never wear, then got back to the hotel around 10. Zuzz and Eric had ordered room service and I passed out. [[I'm sorry, honey.]]
Saturday morning I was in at 830 for more prep for the Party for the Senses that night. I BAKED MY BODY WEIGHT IN TULIP COOKIES FOR 7 HOURS. The party was for 1200 so I was fucking dead after that. And for those of you who don't know what that entails--just know it is fucking tedious and aggravating and I hate tulip cookies forever. But, Gian and I got everything done and the event started at 6:30. We transported all our shit over there on our one tabel, commendeered 3 other tables and a cooler, and finished our plating.
We had a student assistant (an extern for Disney) from the CIA and I laughed in all its irony. Because he was definitely working under/FOR me. A JWU student. Ha.
Anyways, he was a nice boy, though. The other helper (a disney employee) was an idiot and he didnt know shit. He was a Le Cordon Bleu graduate, and that didn't surprise me for fucking anything. That's like being a FCI graduate. except, believe it or not, worse.
Anyways, Gian and I were ballers the whole night and we got more that a handful of compliments saying that our dessert was the best on the entire floor.
Just to picture how big this party was let me tell you:
Cirque Du Soleil was preforming live in the middle of the party all night and admission was $200 a head. The wines being served were top shelf and it was coat and tie.
So much fun, but really really tiring.
Walked home with Gian after the event with a hot (stolen) PFS wine glass (highly coveted!) and happy as a fucking clam. Got back to the hotel, dragged eric to downtown disney to only to eat at Planet Hollywood (which fucking sucks). But I loved going out with him. =3
Eric told me all about the time zuzz and him had while i was working the event at the festival (not paying for tickets or food! they had my free tix and giftcard!) and we talked about going back so I could enjoy it sunday.
Well, turns out Gian didn't want his tix because he lives in Providence now and wasnt going to use them, so we got 3 MORE complimentary tickets and went again for FREE. We still had money left on the gift cards so we ate for free again TOO!
My weekend was fucking faboo.
I'm not going to lieeeee.
Right no I'm at school though, just finished pwning a bio exam and about to pick up some disposable camera pictures from this weekend.
I'm hella busy with school and social things, but motherfuckyeah I'm having fun.

and I love Eric so fucking much I hate when I'm without him. I need to start stressing LESS so I can concentrate on the things that truly matter and make me happy. I'm trying, baby. Stick with me, I'm getting better.


(2 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

bullet time:   
12:16am 21/09/2007
mood: good
x Things are great
x I'm doing my Co-op at The Breakers Palm Beach (fingers crossed)
x I might not compete in the ICC competition because I want to concentrate on my job at The Breakers and not be so busy that I jeopordize that
x I'm Historian on the Special Functions board 07-08
x I'm working an event next weekend as the Sous Chef for a banquet of 1200 at the Epcot Food & Wine Festival
x Apartment life is expensive, but great. I love my boys so much
x Classes are tough as all honors, but I'm getting better at my time management and work habits and I'm getting everything done
x I'm on track to graduate with honors from Johnson & Wales University
x I pray to god to keep my 4.0 GPA, I bust my ass
x I'm no longer doing knowledge bowl I don't think) by choice. Chef Angnardo doesn't know this yet
x I'm takin a tour of The Breakers BOH tomorrow with Chef Wagner among others, and I'm excited to get a foot in the door
x My friend got a job as a line cook at the Versace Mansion. I'm contemplating putting that on MY resume
x Eric and I are back together, and I'm as happy as ever; I believe in true love
x I'm beginning to see the bigger picture, and I want to travel to Australia and/or England next summer (or sooner)
x I hope to get a job at the American Airlines Arena as a serving assistant for the remaining of this term and spring term to make extra money--my interview is in the first week of October
x I'm beginning to realize that I can't do everything, and that's proving to not necessarily be a bad thing
x I enjoy Leadership class more than I ever thought I would, even if I'm not a leader
x I'm proud of myself and a lot of my friends

I miss you, mom. I can't wait to see you.

(1 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

bullying the jokebox   
12:11pm 06/09/2007
  so, sophomore year has officially started, and I think I'll like all my classes. Because I have more classes that are intertwined with my major, this academic term isn't going to be as easy as the last because they will actually require me to be awake, let alone think. It'll be okay though, I'm trying to get my hands on a job opportunity because they are all around..but I don't have any means of getting anywhere. For example, I walked to school today from my apt. I don't really have a choice..the boys have morning labs, so they are gone from 6:30am to 2pm every day, and most of my days dont start until 9:40am. I normally wouldn't have any complaint about walking..it's actually cool because I want/need the excerise, but it's so god damn hot outside it's ridiculous. So here I am in heels and professional dress in 90 degree weather sweating my fucking arse off? No, I don't think so. So I wore my buddy Kyle's sandals, wore a wifebeater and walked my happy ass down the road to school with my shirt slung over my shoulder and my flats shoved deeply into my purse. I must have looked riduclous in adidia slip ons that were approx. 3 sizes too big and a pin striped suit skirt and a wife beater.


Anyway, minus the transportation issue and the fact that I'm spending money without making any day to day...life is all right. I have a couple classes that have really captured my attention, even after only two days (Leadership) so i think I'll learn a lot this term.

aaaand, in the baking & pastry world...Chef Angnardo (my old team coach) approached me and asked me to compete in the knowledge bowl as the baking and pastry student. Now, I don't know if it's because I'm the only loser who doesn't have a job and he can con into spending so many hours studying and studying for a knowledge bowl, but I thought maybe it was because he trusts me to be knowledgeable and a good representative of JWU. I'm hoping it's the latter, but you never know. Anyway, on top of that, I've been asked to compete as team captain in this years ICC competition 2008! The thing is, I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do it because my co-op is scheduled for winter term (in the middle of the practices and competition) and I don't have a car to commute to school to work (where ever I'm doing my co-op). These are humongus obsticles I have no idea how I am going to get around.

Regardless, my first priority is my co-op and industry experience. Then, if I can fit in all the competitions...than that's awesome. But my lack of wheels and my poor state has got me kindve stranded for an answer. Merh.

But that's cool that the chefs remember that I'm worth a shit.
even a little bit.

Other than that, This co-op thing has got me stressed out to the max. I don't know where to fucking go--whether I should go overseas or domestic or what. It doesn't help that when people ask, "well, what do you want?" I have no answer. I just want to find myself in a good learning environment under a chef who is worth a shit, and be considered that I have at least SOME skill (as oppose to being thrown aside simply because I'm American) and learn an ass load from my time there.

Is that so much to ask?

Okay, it is. Because there's no way I can possibly know if a place can offer me all of that before I dive right into it. So, yay for more risks? I can't say I regret going to Harbor Beach at all, actually, it was a real eye-opener, and now that I'm out of the situation, I know I could have handled a lot of things better in the kitchen with who I was working with and the situation I was in. But now I understand and it was a learning experience. How can I regret something like that?

I'm just trying to get through one day at a time at this point and I'm perfectly content with it that way. I mean, I'm still thinking a million miles a monute, but I'm desperately trying to slow down and just enjoy the day for what it is and not worry so much about the future (I think I'm really going to like Leadership class). I think that is one of my biggest problems in my unhappiness.

Speaking of happiness, Eric is coming down to see me tonight at the apt. Oh, and yeah. I got my own apt. with three other guys and for serious cheap! I really like living off campus because it's saving me a dickload of money, but it's harder to get to school and to get around. All three of my roommates have cars though, and occassionally so far they have let me drive their cars to school for class, and that's been nice. With an exception of today. I digress. Eric is coming down tonight to spend some time with me. I think we may go on a date. :D Fuck he makes me happier than I let myself think. [[I really don't give you enough credit, Eric. And that's another thing I'm trying desperately to work on. I love you.]]

So now I'm sitting in The Mix on my beautiful laptop furnished by my awesome brother buying time so I can hitch a ride with the boys back to the apt. Yes, this entry is super long and no, I don't expect you to read all of it. No worries, this thing is more for me to talk to myself than anything else. I hope to see some of you real sooon (coughCHASEANDNICOLEcough) and...

(1 let the sunshine in | chase away your blues)

turn me on   
08:54pm 27/07/2007
  So, the internet has been down for like…4 days and I can’t take it. Haha, I’ve now realized how pathetic that sounds now that I’ve said it. Oh well.
But seriously, it really sucks. I’ve been uploading a bajillion and a half pictures onto facebook the last month, but now I’m taking them like always with nowhere to put them or no one to show.  So, I’m really upset. Plus, I think I might be in roaming up here (fucked if I am), and I like to talk to people more on facebook, myspace, and IM’s rather than on the phone. I hate the phone anyway. So, now I am resorting (haha no pun intended) to typing in word a livejournal doc to fool myself into thinking that I’m communicating with someone who cares.
In reality though, I am sitting the in common room half watching The Wild movie and still spinning from watching the Transformers for the second time this week tonight. OMFG the Transformers was fucking awesome. This kid Jeremy and I have been raving about it since Sunday, so we gathered everyone again tonight to go watch it a second time. That shit gets me, man. The graphics and shit are so amazing…I don’t know where we’re going to be in like 20 years with technology if I already feel like they are real actors and the Decepticons are actually invading the earth and my car is really Optimus Deuce.
Anyways, it hasn’t stopped being crazy up here…the numbers in the kitchen are just starting to increase again after the lull—we’re up to lower one hundred again. Next week Chef is saying we’re going to be up to two hundred plus again like we were in the first few weeks of the season. So, that’s something to look forward to.  Other than that, I’ve been working like a small child in a fuckin sweatshop up here. Kim and I did the math and we’re getting paid like 1.76 an hour. I don’t know..some of it bothers me because they take advantage of us being students..but the head financial lady up here says that she can get the state taxes that they take out (which is an absolutely ridiculous amount) back to us because it’s such a little amount, and at the end of our stay here they’re saying that we’re going to get roughly 2 dollars for our accumulated hours we’ve worked all summer. Dude, if it isn’t like a max amount (like 4 hours a week max) and they actually count our hours we’ve put in multiplied by two…I’m in for a dckload of money at the end of the summer. But I’m trying not to think about it, because it may not happen that sweetly.
We partied hardcore this last Sunday for Alistair’s birthday (he turned 21) and it was absolutely not on a night before my day off. I was up at 430, and awake again at 530. It was so bad..and I was dragging heavy heavy, still half-drunk ass Monday morning. It was fun though, but because everyone on the entire kitchen staff was almost incapable of functioning Monday morning the chef got pissed and we ended up having a meeting today about being responsible. I know he’s right, but this was the first time I drank since Mexico, and definitely the first time up here, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I got all the shit done Monday and blah blah blah, so whatever. They work me like a slave..I’m not about to feel bad about having fun one night and working half speed (which is regular speed for anyone else in that kitchen) for one day. Screw them.
But, despite how much crap I’m talking about this job (and there is plenty to talk about) it’s actually pretty fun. All of us get along, as I’m sure I’ve told everyone already, but we STILL do, which is a feat in itself. On top of everyone having a good time together, we do things like kayaking, swimming, horseback riding, we got to town and the movies and stuff like that. We all do it together, too, which is like a big giant family. It’s beautiful up here, too. Today was my day off and I went down to the swimming pool and sunbathed for 4 hours. It’s daylight up here until 9:30pm (no lie!) so I can lay out after dinner, even. It’s pretty awesome. I’m getting tired of typing now, so I’ll update later when I can actually be online and get done with it.
I miss a lot of people, man.

so, now that I am able to get online because Kim and I are pathetic and we walked our asses to the CLOSED library but are sitting outside so we can still get the wifi, I am posting this update. Work has been hectic, partying has been hectic but so much fun. No sleep, long hours, rough work, awesome people...lots of good times. I don't get too tanked, though. I don't really drink that much so I jus kind've sit back and laugh. Isn't the the best part of partying?

Rocked beer pong last night at one of the server's houses we all got invited to with this kid Jeremy. Two dumb girls were opposing us and they ate our junk. Kim and I played another round, though and we lost by a cup. So, I retaliated by pegging one the the girls I could barely stand to look at right in the forehead with the ball. She laughed like it was funny..I really wanted to harm her. Haha. Dumb girls.

Mom, I know you read this, but no worries, k? :)

Work was good today, did my own birthday cake for an order we got yesterday. It was a nice 13 hour day though, with no breaks to eat (well, i mean there were..but I just didnt take any) because my stomache was uneasy and I felt like chucking thr whole day. I was dragging this morning because of last night, but chef brought me a Coke and I was better for the res of the day. I should be sleeping, but instead Kim and I are sitting on a bench closest to the library as we can get, jacking the wifi and looking like complete, helpless nerds.


haha. I miss my family, and I can't wait to go to Syracuse after this even though i miss west Palm more than I can bear. I really like visiting you, mom. I miss youuuuuuuu.

Okay, with all that--

(chase away your blues)